Nicholas's Story
"There had been something missing in my life that kept me feeling restless, irritable and discontent but I have found it."
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The first drug I took was alcohol aged 11. I remember having a feeling that I was missing out on something and couldn’t really wait much longer. From that first time I took more than I intended; at the time I reckoned this was because my friend didn’t want his due to the taste. I never liked the taste either but the effect was what I was after and I was getting that okay. The rest of the evening was told to me when I came to. I had been very sick and felt terrible. I decided then that this would not happen again and certainly I never drank that brand of dry cider again.
However I did go on to learn; as I thought, how not to be sick every time. For the rest of my teens and my twenties getting ‘out of my face’ became my hobby. My life; apart from the problems I created myself with drink and drugs, was really not too bad but my whole life I felt there was something missing. Something to make me feel better, contented.
By the time I had my first line of coke I had had a go at everything else on the way. All mood altering substances I like and develop an instant habit with but nothing prepared me for cocaine. I was coming out of a period of white knuckle sobriety that had lasted for 7 months. I then began to smoke hash again , sat my higher exams and got a job in this time.
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"For the rest of my teens and my twenties getting ‘out of my face’ became my hobby"
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When I went to work I worked really hard because I didn’t know what was missing in my life; but whatever it was money would surely buy it. In the November of 1989 I was about to open the doors of my first business and everything was in place including a good buffer of money to get me going. A friend of mine suggested we get some cocaine and we did and it was crap. I decided that the real stuff must be a lot better and I found some elsewhere the following week. My head was completely turned. I bought an expensive suit to look how I felt and spent the rest on booze and coke. The business had more drugs in it than proper stock and I had no interest in working it either.
When I took cocaine I felt like I was Charlie Big Potatoes and that somehow just by taking this drug I was much better at everything and better than everyone else too. My reality was that I had no money and lived at home with my mother father and younger siblings. I would come home after work [missing dinner] just to wash and change to get back to my bag and my mother would tell me to do the dishes. That wasn’t part of my trip. I felt like Al Capone. I would think to myself ‘I could get her shot; I’m the top man!’ The business went bust after 14 months and by this time I was down the road with ecstacy as well. I remember when it arrived in Glasgow.
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"I didn’t know what was missing in my life; but whatever it was money would surely buy it"
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One week lunatics were growling at everyone looking for a fight then the next week they had their arms around me telling me that they had always loved me and by the way ‘what’s your name?’ for the next 10 years I tried to live with drink and drugs and I tried to live without them. I really loved getting high, but there were too many lows mixed in with the highs. I tried to reverse this, but it got worse, not better.
I moved to Australia for a year but just drank heavily. I entered into relationships; worked a lot of hours, tried getting fit then back into business. Nothing succeeded and my problem just kept following me around. The more I tried to live successfully and the more I failed the more despair I felt. I would get over another big episode; find another place to live, another scam and give it another try. I always thought it would be different this time because da, da da. It wasn’t. Sometimes I took the first line thinking ‘I hope its not just as bad as the last time.’ By this time I had lost the power of choice. For most of the last of my using I didn’t venture out much, just for supplies.
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"Sometimes I took the first line thinking ‘I hope its not just as bad as the last time.’ By this time I had lost the power of choice"
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| It all became the same. I would arrange skins, remote control, coke, CD cover, pipe, fags, hash, bottles and pills in a semI circle in front of me and put porn on the tv with the sound turned way down. Sometimes I would just listen. Listen like no one had ever listened before. Other evenings it was as if my face was superglued to the window pane. To catch them watching me. I found cocaine anonymous through someone in AA where I had began to attend. The meeting had been going in Glasgow
for a month by that time and I felt that I had found my tribe.
I found it when I was meant to; at the end of my road. I had a house a job and a car but I had no hope that it was going to get better. A term my fellow addicts and alcoholics used was 'spiritually bankrupt'. That was me. There was no hope in my bank - just despair. I didn’t take on the suggestions I heard at first and I used again.
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"Other evenings it was as if my face was superglued to the window pane. To catch them watching me" |
I got back from that on the 2nd of July 2001 and I have been sober and clean since then. I took on their suggestions then and the program worked for me. I no longer believe the lie that it will be different this time. For all the trouble drink and drugs were to me I always thought life without them would be terrible, really dull and boring.
This has not been my experience. This past four years has been the life I always wanted. I got married and had two beautiful kids. I was right about one thing though; there had been something missing in my life that kept me feeling restless, irritable and discontent but I have found it. Grateful alcoholic and addict, Glasgow,
Scotland.
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"This past four years has been the life I always wanted. I got married and had two beautiful kids"
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Scottish Helpline: 0141 959 6363
PO Box 26812
,
Glasgow
G1 9AB
Email: 
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