When I did stop drinking, I did it the hard way. I sought help from a psychiatrist who detoxed me and sent me to a nurse therapist. He mentioned the twelve step programme to tell me it wouldn’t be suitable for me. I didn’t know any better. They wanted to teach me controlled drinking; inviting for an alcoholic! But even then I instinctively knew I couldn’t drink safely again.

I found my replacement in drugs. Opiates took the craving for alcohol away in minutes. Stimulants gave me energy and confidence I had never known before. I could be whoever I wanted to be. The problem was that the more I used, the more I wanted to use. It took me years to become an alcoholic; I really had to work quite hard at it, but it took only weeks for drugs to get a grip on me. They soon replaced alcohol as the focus of my life. Within months, all my time was taken up sourcing or using drugs. Nothing else mattered. My relationship of ten years seemed meaningless, my partner hollowed out by my behaviour, my responsible career expendable. Friends’ phone calls went unanswered. The answering machine overflowed with messages. The curtains were drawn, both in real terms, and on my spirit which was dying.

The programme of recovery I practise in Cocaine Anonymous has opened up a way forward out of a seemingly hopeless situation. I met people who are like me. Not bad, weak or pathetic, but people eager to rediscover their values, their identities. One of the ways we do this is by telling others our stories; telling them what worked for us.

If addiction is about loss, recovery is about gain. Now my spirit soars in recovery. I am no longer controlled by drugs or alcohol. My focus has moved onto my programme, getting to meetings, trying to apply the principles of recovery in all my life. I have found meaning and purpose through CA and gained so much more than I ever lost.