Jacqueline’s Story
My name is Jacqueline and I am a recovering addict. I got to the fellowship of Cocaine Anonymous three years ago as I knew I had serious problems with my drug use and in my life, however, I did not stay and now know that I wanted the problems that drugs were causing in my life to be taken away but not my drugs! The carnage and destruction I caused to myself and others until I got back to the rooms of CA via a treatment centre 2 years later proved to me that addiction only gets worse never better.
Today thanks to CA, people at meetings and the 12 step program I live a life beyond my wildest dreams alcohol and drug free one day at a time.
Drugs were always in my life, I had an accident aged 11 and abused prescribed medication throughout my teenage years. At secondary school I took acid regularly and drank alcohol. When I passed my driving test at 17 I started abusing amphetamines, I lost my 1st good job after falling asleep in the toilet after a week long bender.
I got involved in the club scene, working and partying as well as holding down a full time job, training at college and throughout all of my twenties did not think I had a problem despite the fact I could not leave the house without being stoned, I used to criticise people that did not live the way that I did. I always thought, work hard, party hard. – that was the way I lived and I did not have a problem.
Cocaine and Crack became a daily habit by the time I was 31 and I still thought I was OK as I made it to my work I was self employed, I lied, cheated and stole to fund my using from clients, partners, family, friends until eventually I was a paranoid wreck sitting at home alone smoking crack, taking cocaine and dabbling in heroin, it took a further 4 years of this before my health started to deteriorate badly and then I realised that I did not have a life and had lost EVERYTHING that was important to me, relationships, material possessions, financial gains, jobs EVERYTHING I cared about including myself.Eventually I admitted defeat, I believe I had a spiritual awakening when a friend took me on holiday and when sitting on a hilltop I burst out crying announcing that I did not want to die. I got admitted to a treatment centre and spent 6 months there, afraid, lonely and very confused. I did not know who I was, what I was, where I was. I had the same feelings when I left that treatment centre but thanks to the people in the rooms of CA who loved me until I could love myself I am now 18 months away from my last drink or drug and that is a miracle, there is a life beyond addiction and it is beyond my wildest dreams. I am glad to be clean and sober and have so much gratitude to feel reborn and no longer a slave to a substance.
Steven’s Story
The first drug I took was alcohol aged 11. I remember having a feeling that I was missing out on something and couldn’t really wait much longer. From that first time I took more than I intended; at the time I reckoned this was because my friend didn’t want his due to the taste. I never liked the taste either but the effect was what I was after and I was getting that okay. The rest of the evening was told to me when I came to. I had been very sick and felt terrible. I decided then that this would not happen again and certainly I never drank that brand of dry cider again.
However I did go on to learn; as I thought, how not to be sick every time. For the rest of my teens and my twenties getting ‘out of my face’ became my hobby. My life; apart from the problems I created myself with drink and drugs, was really not too bad but my whole life I felt there was something missing. Something to make me feel better, contented.
By the time I had my first line of coke I had had a go at everything else on the way. All mood altering substances I like and develop an instant habit with but nothing prepared me for cocaine. I was coming out of a period of white knuckle sobriety that had lasted for 7 months. I then began to smoke hash again , sat my higher exams and got a job.
When I went to work I worked really hard because I didn’t know what was missing in my life; but whatever it was money would surely buy it. In November 2005 I was about to open the doors of my first business and everything was in place including a good buffer of money to get me started. A friend of mine suggested we get some cocaine and we did and it was crap. I decided that the real stuff must be a lot better and I found some elsewhere the following week. My head was completely turned. I bought an expensive suit to look how I felt and spent the rest on booze and coke. The business had more drugs in it than proper stock and I had no interest in working it either.
When I took cocaine I felt like I was a big shot gangster and that somehow just by taking this drug I was much better at everything and better than everyone else too. My reality was that I had no money and lived at home with my parents and wee sister. I would come home after work [missing dinner] just to wash and change to get back to my bag and my mother would tell me to do the dishes. That wasn’t part of my trip. I felt like Al Capone. I would think to myself ‘I could get her shot; I’m the top man!’ The business went bust after 14 months and by this time I was down the road with ecstacy as well. I remember when it arrived in Glasgow. One week lunatics were growling at everyone looking for a fight then the next week they had their arms around me telling me that they had always loved me and by the way ‘what’s your name?’ for the next 10 years I tried to live with drink and drugs and I tried to live without them. I really loved getting high, but there were too many lows mixed in with the highs. I tried to reverse this, but it got worse, not better.
I moved to Australia for a year but just drank heavily. I entered into relationships; worked a lot of hours, tried getting fit then back into business. Nothing succeeded and my problem just kept following me around. The more I tried to live successfully and the more I failed the more despair I felt. I would get over another big episode; find another place to live, another scam and give it another try. I always thought it would be different this time because da, da da. It wasn’t. Sometimes I took the first line thinking ‘I hope its not just as bad as the last time.’ By this time I had lost the power of choice. For most of the last of my using I didn’t venture out much, just for supplies.
It all became the same. I would arrange skins, remote control, coke, CD cover, pipe, fags, hash, bottles and pills in a semI circle in front of me and put porn on the tv with the sound turned way down. Sometimes I would just listen. Listen like no one had ever listened before. Other evenings it was as if my face was superglued to the window pane. I was paranoid about catching them watching me. I found cocaine anonymous through someone in AA where I had began to attend. The meeting had been going in Glasgow for a month by that time and I felt that I had found my tribe.I found it when I was meant to; at the end of my road. I had a house a job and a car but I had no hope that it was going to get better. A term my fellow addicts and alcoholics used was ‘spiritually bankrupt’. That was me. There was no hope in my bank – just despair. I didn’t take on the suggestions I heard at first and I used again.
I got back from that on the 2nd of July 2001 and I have been sober and clean since then. I took on their suggestions then and the program worked for me. I no longer believe the lie that it will be different this time. For all the trouble drink and drugs were to me I always thought life without them would be terrible, really dull and boring.
This has not been my experience. This past four years has been the life I always wanted. I got married and had two beautiful kids. I was right about one thing though; there had been something missing in my life that kept me feeling restless, irritable and discontent but I have found it. Grateful alcoholic and addict, Glasgow, Scotland.
Robert’s Story
Addiction for me is principally about loss. Through it I lost my key relationships, my job, money, my health and almost my freedom. The biggest loss though was of my values. As a youngster, I had spirit and enthusiasm for life. I was brought up to tell the truth, never to steal, to care for myself and others and to maintain my own integrity. It all went. Not all at once, but bit by bit as drugs slowly became the focus of my life.
Alcohol was my first drug of choice. Everybody drank, didn’t they? At first it lubricated my social life, then it became useful to ease the stress of my professional life, finally becoming necessary to live. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t stop drinking when it was costing me everything. Earlier in my career I’d learned about alcoholism, yet that information was useless to me. I understand now that I couldn’t stop because I suffer from the disease of addiction.
When I did stop drinking, I did it the hard way. I sought help from a psychiatrist who detoxed me and sent me to a nurse therapist. He mentioned the twelve step programme to tell me it wouldn’t be suitable for me. I didn’t know any better. They wanted to teach me controlled drinking; inviting for an alcoholic! But even then I instinctively knew I couldn’t drink safely again.
I found my replacement in drugs. Opiates took the craving for alcohol away in minutes. Stimulants gave me energy and confidence I had never known before. I could be whoever I wanted to be. The problem was that the more I used, the more I wanted to use. It took me years to become an alcoholic; I really had to work quite hard at it, but it took only weeks for drugs to get a grip on me. They soon replaced alcohol as the focus of my life. Within months, all my time was taken up sourcing or using drugs. Nothing else mattered. My relationship of ten years seemed meaningless, my partner hollowed out by my behaviour, my responsible career expendable. Friends’ phone calls went unanswered. The answering machine overflowed with messages. The curtains were drawn, both in real terms, and on my spirit which was dying.
Then the best thing happened: I got caught. Getting reported to the police was the reality check which broke through my powerful denial. I escaped to the safety of a treatment centre where I was introduced to the twelve steps which have turned my life around. Despite having worked professionally with addicted people for years I found I knew little about addiction and recovery. As I recovered, so did my partner through a programme for those affected by addicts’ behaviour.
The programme of recovery I practise in Cocaine Anonymous has opened up a way forward out of a seemingly hopeless situation. I met people who are like me. Not bad, weak or pathetic, but people eager to rediscover their values, their identities. One of the ways we do this is by telling others our stories; telling them what worked for us.
If addiction is about loss, recovery is about gain. Now my spirit soars in recovery. I am no longer controlled by drugs or alcohol. My focus has moved onto my programme, getting to meetings, trying to apply the principles of recovery in all my life. I have found meaning and purpose through CA and gained so much more than I ever lost.
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